Breathe a Little ;P

And so this is it, right?

We’ve really weaved our last thread to this final point. And I really just don’t know what to say. I’ve literally run out of sentences….even words. I can’t even think of ONE word to say to you. I really did believe you were doing what you were doing just because you didn’t want to hurt me, but now I realize I was probably a burden to you. That simple “yes” to my question was the final blow. Even though I know already you’re saying it because you think it’s what’s best for “me,” it still really hurts.

But I get it, I’m being extremely unreasonable in not caring about what you feel too and throwing my emotions at you. Still, you didn’t have to do things for “my sake.” And we really just drove ourselves into this hole. This wasn’t the type of ending I wanted. I mean, I knew already the result, but this is lower than the expectation. Actually, it’s the worst outcome. Both of us, trying to avoid this conclusion, but in the end, drove ourselves straight to it without even knowing it when it was already fine in the first place.

To be honest, I know we promised to keep our good relationship forever, but you might be a little stronger than I am. Now it’s my turn to run away. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to talk to you normally when I’m such a wreck inside. Every ounce of being in me is telling me to stop, to get away from you. I won’t right now. But if I end up disappearing…don’t be surprised.

You crazy girl. Do you know how hard it is missing you right now? It’s only been a few hours, but it’s already a bit too much. Knowing you’re gone is really depressing. It’s hard to think and assemble all of the words I want to say right now.

You know, I actually heard about you before from other people before we met, but I never knew who you were. Mandy introduced us once before, but there I was thinking, “I’m probably never going to see this girl again.” Damn, I was wrong. I was WAY off actually. I really didn’t think we were going to turn out as close as we did when you joined the club. But as usual, I was way off. In fact, we went the opposite way and became great friends from the start. We never fought. We never had problems. Everything was good. Everything was what I expected a good friendship to turn out to be. You turned into a friend that I knew I could trust no matter what. A person that made me laugh even when I really didn’t want to. A friend that knew what I was feeling even though I didn’t say anything at all.

But most of all, you turned into my best friend.

I was happy knowing I had you as such a good friend. To be honest, sometimes I’d feel bad when you went off to modeling with other people because you wouldn’t get to spend any time with me and would end up spending more time with other people. Please don’t laugh at my lame-ness when you read that part…

Don’t ever think our relationship will change just because of the distance! There’s always Skype, and one day, I’ll come visit you and you’ll come back here sometimes too! Just don’t forget about me and I sure as hell won’t forget about you!

But I want to thank you too. For everything really. Thanks for being so nice and kind. Thanks for accepting me. Thanks for giving me great memories. Thanks for letting me confide in you. Thanks for telling me the truth when I needed it. Thanks for trusting me. Thanks for always thinking about me when other people would forget. Thanks for looking out for me. Thanks for taking time to write me a letter that even though I ended up tearing while reading and getting confused towards the end, I’ll treasure no matter what.

But most importantly, thank you, for being Gabby, one of my best friends that I’ve come to love and appreciate dearly.

I know it’s not really enough to say everything I want to say here, but it’ll do. I said the important things, I hope XD Man, it really sucks knowing you’re not here. I guess I’ll have to find the ITC building all by myself then. It’s ok. When you come back, we’ll go down to Agat together ;D

When you find out someone you really cared for and was close to just stabs you in the back. You think I’m just going to roll over and forgive you like before because apparently I’m “too nice”? You think it’s okay to say things about me behind my back and assume I’ll shrug it off like nothing? You must have some kind of delusion or live in a fantasy world if you think I’m just going to bend over like that.

I don’t know what kind of path you’re heading down or what decisions you want to make, but rest assured: I won’t be there for you to cry on anymore. I had patience for you. I supported you. I comforted you. I protected you. I did a shit load of things for you. But if this is how you repay your “best friend”, then you didn’t have any appreciation in the first place. Damn, honestly. Why did I waste my time? It would’ve been easier to just let me know from the beginning so I wouldn’t have wasted all my breath on you.

Yeah, I get it. You’re mad at the world. But if I was you, no matter how mad I was, I would never, NEVER purposely push away the people I care about. Or rather, “supposedly” cared for. You’ve dug your hole too deep. So deep that I can’t reach you. I can’t see the place where you are. So good luck trying to get out of that hole. Without me. Because I know the only way you’ll get out is if you find your own solution.

You go through really old things and it just reminds you so much of the past?

It’s normally a good thing to have such precious memories. But then again, there are things in the past that remind you how sad the present is. Like, for example when you were really good friends with someone, but now it’s all over. Especially if it was a person you expected to be in your life forever. Then you realize how simple everything was before when you had good relationships that are now just shadows of the mind.

There’s really only one relationship I regret messing up. That moment when I realize there was a time when that important person and I weren’t strangers. I guess that’s really just what brought upon this post. Most of the things that I physically have that connect me to my past connect me to this one person. The sad thing is that I don’t know if it’s my fault or the other person’s fault because we just fell apart. I really don’t know what happened along the way.

But there are a few things I’m certain of. I don’t hate this person, I never could. In fact, I care very much for this person. Not in a romantic way, but really just caring for another being. I get mad sometimes, but it’s only because I’m mad at what’s no longer there. If this person ever wanted to fix our relationship, I wouldn’t even give it a second thought. To be close again would be a happiness that can’t even be explained. Just knowing that I still exist in that person’s life would be enough. It’s sad really to feel like you don’t belong in someone else’s life. Even if we can’t be close anymore, just don’t ignore my existence. I was there and you were there. Even looking in my direction would suffice. No, I’m not that desperate really, but knowing the type person that this person is, it’s really the only thing they can do.

There was a quote someone said really applied to me because the person who said it to me said it sounded exactly like this situation. I won’t say it because it’s a saying deep in my heart because I know it’s true.

But I don’t know. The past is the past. I can’t do anything about it now. I guess what I’m trying to say is,

Losing you was the one thing I really regretted. It’s not goodbye, but it’s not hello either. I’ve just come to the conclusion that this is it. I’m finally pushing myself to not dwell on the past. It’ll be hard, but this is something for me. And even though you may not know how important you are to me, maybe in a few years I’ll have the courage to tell you. Because I’m not ready and I won’t be for a long time. Let’s just move on and if you don’t know that I’m moving on without you, it’s okay because you’re smart enough to understand without words. But please don’t take it the wrong way when I say, in the least romantic and awkward way possible, that I love you. Because we were friends and friends love friends. Because anything other than a friendship love is really just troubling because at this point, it’s really hard to feel that way. So I love you, my friend. Enjoy your life because now I’m ready to start enjoying mine.

I’m ready to flip a chip. Seriously.

I had a really good morning and afternoon. Then, everything was just ruined when I went to this stupid fitting for my stupid dresses for this UGH queen coronation thing.

I was already not feeling good because of walking too much in the sun today, to the point when I was ready to faint. I was very dizzy and ready to fall over. So, I didn’t get any rest since that time and went to the dress fitting. So, basically, the first dress we had to try on was the gown, that is very parallel to my gown for my debut—hot and heavy. Anyways, the first problem came up: the dress didn’t fit. My mom and I are just like WTF because each person was measured. And of all colors, of ALL DAMN COLORS IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD, they hand me a pink dress. I just stared at the thing and said, “You must be joking with me.” But was forced into the damn thing anyway. I came out with everyone saying, “Oh, it really suits you” or “That dress is definitely for you.” Bull. Shit. Everyone was just trying to make me feel good about the stupid thing.

Then, my mom isn’t helping by like, freaking out about THEE MOST ridiculous things. Like, how she couldn’t see or the she didn’t know how to do the strings. And kept repeating her complaints to me over AND OVER. I’m not deaf.

So, because of all my mom’s yelling and hectic-ness in the bathroom, I started getting dizzy and even had to sit down because I was ready to faint. Everyone just wouldn’t shut up. So, I finally got out of my dresses and sat patiently on my chair.

Now, the one thing that really set me off: people not leaving me alone when I’m already dizzy enough as it is. Okay, so I told everyone that I was okay and that I wasn’t hungry, but I only wanted a drink. WHAT PART OF THAT DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND? I SWEAR. It was like left and right, “ARE YOU HUNGRY?” “GET FOOD.” “NO, DON’T BE SHY.”

NO.

I am NOT being shy. I just freaking said that I AM NOT HUNGRY. I JUST WANT A DAMN DRINK, WHICH I GOT, SO LEAVE ME ALONE NOW. And then my mom kept pushing me to get food with her and also my nino kept telling me to follow. I just stared at the two of them, and really yelled, “I DON’T WANT TO GO. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.” And after that, they backed off. Still, I’ve never been so annoyed to the point where I’ve gotten mad at my mom and Nino in public. Heck, I’ve never even gotten mad at my Nino, ever. I was even getting angry in the car because they kept lecturing me about my responsibility to this damn queen crap.

And I just looked at them again saying, “You know what. I was only told about things that would happen to me if I won. NOT the things I would have to do if I didn’t.”

And my mom knows more than anyone else about how BADLY I want to go on my trip. I mean, she’s against me working, esp. during school, so I only tried to get a job as fast as possible. And then she has the nerve to tell me she’s going to pay for whatever money I don’t have? OMFG. NO THANK YOU FOR THE OFFER. I already said I was going to pay for it myself and not only that. But if I knew something like that was going to happen, WHY TELL ME WHEN I ALREADY HAVE A JOB? GOSH DARN IT.

Annoyance is just an understatement of what I feel right now. These are really bad vibes that are just…all coming to me today, of ALL days. I mean, I have my job tomorrow, and I can’t be like this. UGH, which reminds me, for the next 2 days, my life will be hell. I don’t know how I’m going to manage going from place to place, making sure I make it in time for where ever I have to go to next.

If I knew about all these darn things I had to do for this queen thing, I never would’ve joined. I think that’s really just my regret for this summer. Never again. NEVER.

you know those feels

when you’re so into something

and you just wanna talk about it all the time but everyone else around you would be like wat